i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
40s are totally the cure
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
