just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We have so much sex to catch up on
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
