If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
