I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
