New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
