I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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