after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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