remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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