he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
