Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
