Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
