I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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