I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
