i think my tv is drunk
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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