I'm lost and stupid without you.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
