Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
