I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
