May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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