Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
