Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
