I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
