3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
