I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize