Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
