wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
