I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
