2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
