every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
