You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
