I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
