I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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