im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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