I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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