Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
