why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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