where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
