i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
