Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
