Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?â€
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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