You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
