Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize