Kiss
Puke
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
