If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
