Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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