..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it hurts more in the daytime
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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