Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
