Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
