what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
