dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
