wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
