worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
