Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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