Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
