She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
