If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
