Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
