I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
