I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Text me some of your sweat
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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